


your mess is mine, the dawn is ours

by angeldescendant



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Ash is cooking, Asheiji in Japan, Domestic, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Xenophobia, It's not an easy but they'll pull through it together, Japanese Mythology & Folklore, M/M, Mentions of NYC squad, Post-Canon, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Recovery, Relationship reconstruction, Role Reversal, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-05-28 17:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19399285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angeldescendant/pseuds/angeldescendant
Summary: Eiji decides to bring Ash back to Izumo for his hometown's biggest summer festival.Maybe they're fine. Maybe things aren't falling apart. Maybe Eiji wants whatever shred of intimacy they had left to last.Or maybe, sometimes a love just dies.





	your mess is mine, the dawn is ours

**Author's Note:**

> I like asking difficult questions. Banana Fish is a work that merits plenty of discussions based on its ending alone. Plethora of fanworks have provided alternate endings, but rarely attempt to deconstruct the repercussions. Yet, the thing about BF, despite the cynicism, is the presence of something that fiction’s rarely able to portray in a raw yet sublime manner. Is it really love? Belonging? Hope? I avoided writing fics like this because there’s this fear of misinterpreting whatever Asheiji conveys, until RBB came along. So here. This is a story where Ash, despite his past gaping wounds, attempts to dress someone else’s. 
> 
> [Balvana](https://balvana.tumblr.com/), the artist who inspired this piece, was very sweet and daring. I love her ideas, and I’m happy that she gave me the ok with the direction of this piece. Thank you so much for being an amazing collaborator. I’m humbled with the kindness you gave me throughout the process. This is for you.
> 
> I would also like to thank these people: [Snow_Falls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snow_Falls/pseuds/Snow_Falls), my supportive beta; [Talimee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talimee/pseuds/Talimee), for giving me a new perspective on Asheiji; [VeterPeremen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeterPeremen/pseuds/VeterPeremen), for laughing at my attempted humor throughout the fic, and [ennuimaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ennuimaster/pseuds/ennuimaster)for the support (it's done). 
> 
> Final notes: They will be switching up English and Japanese throughout the fic. To make it easier, normal font dialogue are spoken English while italicised ones are Japanese.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the ride.

> _“_ _True anxiety does not happen before one sails to open sea, but in the middle of the journey, when the call of home is too strong to resist and the prospect of new lands do not glow in one's mind as much as it did before one decided to sail.”_

-[Original quote](https://www.facebook.com/marcpasco/posts/10211509122118435)

* * *

_[link to full size](https://sta.sh/02dfnl53jn2e) _

* * *

**your mess is mine, the dawn is ours**

To put it simply, Ash and Eiji were perfectly fine.

Scratch that, Ash and Eiji were making sure scenarios, such as the one from thirteen hours ago, would not happen again.

“Those frozen peas would have helped,” Ash said as Eiji kept rubbing poultice on his black splotch of an eye. It looked like a dead rainbow, inclinating towards chartreuse and rich mauves in colour, perhaps. Eiji flipped him off in kind and went on ahead on the dingy road enroute to the Okumura household, carrying his duffel and a bag of souvenirs.

“Boss nearly called police! It’s because Ash likes to think he’s action star-“

“Excuse me, you retaliated!” He was careful of speaking too much, in case his lip bled again. “Nearly broke my jaw, you asshole-“

“Thank you, I practice during work-“

“I did not ask for your training montage, goddammit. You owe me an apology!”

“You owe me a promise to behave for your _onii-chan_ ,” Eiji interjected. “No more like New Years.”

“It’s not my fault they didn’t understand my genius in the kitchen-“

“You burnt the mackerel, set the pan on fire, and put noodles on top of rice. Also, you take a bath before we go?” He decided to sniff Ash who backtracked immediately. “You smell like zombie. You take bath first after breakfast!”

“You’re not my mom, gosh,” Ash held his nose in the air. “And stop doing that, you’ll wake the neighbors.”

“Behave, ok?” Eiji said, putting his hands on his hips. “I want to introduce you properly this time.”

“Ok,” Ash rolled his eyes as they reached their gate. Eiji rang the doorbell.

Ten minutes later Eiji was on the porch, snoring. Ash decided to cook mackerel for breakfast.

\--

“ _So, who won?”_ his sister said, reducing Ash to a hissy fit after he stepped out of the bath house wearing nothing but a towel around his waist.

“ _Where?”_ He found himself getting pissed off as she snickered at his accented Japanese. It’s been nine months in, and the words remain itchy rolling around his tongue.

“ _Y’know, at your lover’s tiff,_ ” she pointed at the left side of her mouth. Even her dialect took him several seconds of buffering before he could respond. It would have been nice if Eiji chose to speak in Izumo-ben to him so he’d have a fighting chance. “ _That was one hell of a shiner, that. No way is that a cheap shot.”_

_“We didn’t fight,”_ Ash rolled his eyes before receiving another spasm of pain from his mouth. He couldn’t even eat his fish and had to make do with sipping miso _tonjiuro_. Eiji, once more berated him for his hors d’overs of a meal (his sister made the _tamagokaki_ and _sunomomo_ ). _“Accident. We fell down the stairs.”_

_“You were like an old married couple earlier. Did onii-chan tell you to say that?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Well that explains it,”_ she shrugged. “ _He was never really the brains of the family.”_

_“And Kiku is?”_

_“Nah, my grades are shit. Algebra doesn’t like me.”_

_“Need some help? I have more brain cells than your snoring brother over there.”_

She laughed. _“You’re on.”_

Ash smiled. She was the spitting image of his brother, if not for her fuss-free ponytail. “ _Where’s your ma and grandma?”_

_“Preparing for the festival. They’ll be back here at maybe three? Come on, tell me what really happened! I promise I won’t tell! I swear it on Ookuninushi!”_

_“It’s not as exciting as you think…”_ Ash then began to fan himself. It was getting hot already. _“Okay, you win. I’ll tell you after you give me some clothes and show me around. Pretty sure Eiji won’t wake up until lunch.”_ He clicked his tongue. Her eyes were as distracting as her brother’s. “ _And he won, alright? Don’t tell him I told you. He nearly broke my nose.”_

_“Ehhhh? No way! You’re the baddest bitch in New York!”_

_“Way,”_ Ash said as he let her lead the way to his quarters. “ _And it’s not bitch… your brother’s slang is shit, I’m telling you.”_ He chuckled. He hadn’t seen that Eiji in awhile. “ _Anyway, give me the best clothes that would make Eiji want to crawl at my feet and apologize. He started it.”_ It was Ash who landed the first punch, but Eiji had it coming.

“ _I got your back, Ashu-nii!”_ She gave him a thumbs up before handing him a pink yukata and wooden clogs.

\--

They ended up buying green cream melon soda at a local stall en route to Yaegaki-jinja when Ash relayed how Eiji returned to his usual self after a good old sock in the face.

“ _It wasn’t entirely my fault, to be fair,”_ Ash said, choosing his words carefully. _“Your brother had it coming for cooping me up in that apartment of his.”_ It was still difficult for him to nibble on the agar jelly that his sister brought along, especially with the kiwi inside. “ _He’d be out like a light after coming home and he’d leave really early before I’d wake up.”_

She was nibbling on the jelly with a peach inside. “ _You cleaning up his mess then?”_

_“I’ve learned to use the vacuum cleaner and had the housewives on our floor teaching me the basics, cooking, cleaning, everything… Not like your brother would eat anything I made, anyway,”_ Ash paused. _“You won’t tell him this, right?”_

_“‘Course I won’t. So what, you got fed up with it and decided to settle things with your fists?”_

Ash laughed. _“Nah, it was all a misunderstanding.”_ Also, because he was in bad shape that time after a quick jog on the apartment stairs and some crunches. _“I was part of the house sweethearts association in our building, and we were all worried about B-san. Her husband works at a tech firm three stations away. Apparently, there was a man P-san said she’d see entering her place wearing cargo pants. B-san and her husband had been heard by N-san and the rest arguing for awhile and they like her husband so… I volunteered to confront the other guy if I see him. Well, I saw a guy wearing cargo pants yesterday, entering her house and I ended up socking him…”_ Ash trailed off, with a disapproving look.

Her lips formed a small ‘o.’ “ _So onii-chan_ …”

“… _was at work that day and making a delivery at our building. First time he blew his top and returned the favor.”_

Kiku covered her mouth. “ _Oh no._ ”

_“I wasn’t allowed to leave the building unless Eiji tagged along. You could say I was bored.”_ The last time he left was when he got lost looking for the nearest 7-11, and Eiji phoned the police for a manhunt around their area. _“I wish he told me. I didn’t know he was working his ass off while going to school and training.”_

_“You got your revenge though,”_ she pointed at her eye jokingly. _“He has always been like that. Always going the extra mile… He fears failing people. Maybe that’s why he works so dang hard.”_

_“He shouldn’t be acting like a damn martyr,”_ Ash said. They steered clear of the main path and the procession. His pink yukata was getting itchy because of the crawling critters. He turned his head up at the green maple and beech leaves, a soft breeze blowing. It was beautiful, seeing the sunlight falling on the ground like small fluttering dots. “ _He was also like that back in New York.”_

They reached the main stairs to the entrance. She ended up finishing his drink when they ascended. “ _It’s already dang hot! What are ya looking at?”_ she then hissed at some onlookers who stole glances at their exhausted figures.

“ _You didn’t have to do that_ ,” he laughed. “ _I’m used to it.”_ That was only one of the few setbacks he could actually handle. Plus the Japanese were more subtle than the gross stares he got back across the Pacific.

_“Wonder if I’ll get the same attention if I go to your place too,”_ she said, combing her hair with her hands before fluttering her eyelashes. _“Maybe I’ll make Japan proud like big bro.”_

“ _Your brother turned a lot of heads alright. They couldn’t believe he wasn’t twelve._ ”

She roared with laughter at this. He liked her unflinching sense of humour and her wild confidence. It made him remember he wasn’t an old man yet . They bowed past the _torii_ and after paying their respects, began walking to the viewing deck behind the shrine, the entirety of Izumo in sight and across it, the sparkling sea. It made his chest ache slightly.

“ _Onii-chan’s changed a lot since he came back,”_ she said. “ _It’s not an easy thing to swallow, especially for people like ma. She’s still trying to figure it out._ ”

Eiji never really liked to mention his family since New Years’. He also never had the courage to ask. “ _I shouldn’t have encouraged his actions at New Years too. You really have quite a demented older brother_.”

“ _His letters were tame compared to the stuff you told me,”_ her eyes then shifted down, a sad smile gracing her glossed lips. “ _He always liked keeping to himself, y’know. But he loved us in his own way. I guess we forgot about that.”_

He remembered Eiji breaking the glazed teacup that night as they supped on the rice porridge that Ash helped prepare, and the raised voiced. Eiji did not broach the subject as they rode the last train to Tokyo that night. _“Maybe he’s ready to make amends by coming here.”_

_“Mmm,”_ she did not look convinced. “ _Pretty sure he didn’t come back for us. You did say you wanted to swim at the beach when the water’s warmer-”_

“ _Wait, no way. We weren’t chummy even before New Year’s.”_

She shrugged. He didn’t like that smug look on her face. “ _Oh, we’ll see.”_

_\--_

Three bowls of cold _anmitsu_ were waiting for them when they came back, along with a beady-eyed Eiji, who promptly pulled his sister’s ear the moment she tried explaining their disappearance.

“ _-good thing ma’s out! If she found out you’ve been going without telling her again-“_

_“You promised we’d be going to the beach! And they won’t be back till dinner!”_ She howled as she got dragged inside. “ _You’re embarrassing me over here, stop it-“_

Eiji did not meet Ash’s eyes while he fussed over their bowls. “ _I’m still preparing lunch so you better finish that before the ice cream melts!”_

_“And then the beach, onii-chan?”_ His sister asked hopefully.

“ _No. We’re gonna clean the house before they come back. Seriously, did you even do anything other than nap your entire break-“_

Ash looked on as they squabbled, sweet black syrup dribbling from his mouth as he chewed agar and banana, his jaw be damned. Griff and he never quarreled. He was too grown up for that, and was already gone before Ash could try. Before long, Eiji’s sister resorted to throwing the matcha ice cream in her bowl at Eiji’s white shirt.

Eiji’s expression darkened as he drew up to his full height and grabbed his own bowl. Oh, it was on.

It didn’t take long before their pristine kitchen became a fruit and ice cream warzone, the black syrup and red bean paste causing heavy damage to their clothes and the thatched floor. Ash managed to duck for cover out into the porch as he finished his desert. Now way was he taking part in the clean-up afterwards and wasting something this delicious.

“ _Where the hell is Ash?”_

Shit. He managed to dodge the incoming assault of matcha and strawberries, retreating further out onto the porch, and chomping on the last of his maroon _anko._ Eiji was covered in sickly sweet glory, black and green pasting his face as he trudged his way outside. Just behind him was the sticky corpse of his fallen sister.

“I’m not gonna clean your stupidity, dammit!” Ash said, readying his spoon. He only had black syrup as artillery. Better that he escaped at the right moment.

“Try me,” Eiji sneered before launching five or more spoonfuls of black syrup. Ash weaved to and fro as he ran, screaming and then laughing while Eiji’s shrieks dominated the entire house.

In the end, however, he got assaulted by matcha and was allotted to fixing the sliding doors while Eiji and his sister wiped and scrubbed whatever mess they made in astonishing speed before supping on _nishime_ for late lunch.

He clicked his tongue. The Okumura abode had the same aesthetics as a still-life painting. The vase just outside the kitchen bore the same fresh yellow camellias. The backdoor closed easily just like before New Year’s.

“ _I’m getting rusty_ ,” Eiji said after the _itadakimasu_. “ _Can’t believe I let you hit me.”_

_“Nah, you’re just weaker than me,_ ” his sister pressed as she made for extra mushrooms on the hot pot. “ _I’ll get ya next time.”_

“You didn’t do this last December,” Ash said.

“ _Ma would throw a fit if we dared,”_ she snickered. “Plus we just eat _anmitsu_ only summer so…”

“ _Just speak in Japanese, god-“_

“I am practicing for school. Only get good with Ashu-sama-“

“Fire away, woman. And not like your English is any good Eiji…” Ash pointed out and got a high five from his little sis.

“ _You’re seriously ganging up on me?”_ Eiji rolled his eyes.

“Just speaking some gospel truth, _onii-chan,_ ” Ash stuck out his tongue. “And who cares? Not like I don’t understand her or anything.”

_“But your Japanese is pretty good…”_ His sister said. “Don’t sound like _gaijin.”_

“ _Don’t praise him, please. He’s gonna rub that in my face later._ ”

_“Nah, still have a ways to go,_ ” Ash sighed, minding his a’s. He _was_ going to crow about it later. “ _I still suck at Izumo-ben. Seriously Eiji, you could’ve taught me. Plus points for ma-“_

_“Not like we’re gonna settle down here anyway_ ,” Eiji looked at his tea.

_“Yeah, you should spend some time teaching him,_ ” she said. “ _Ashu-nii’s been getting homesick since he moved in with you.”_

Eiji shot her a long, hard look. The temperature seemed to drop by several degrees.

“Oi, she did not mean it like that…”

“Then what did she mean by that?” Eiji replied coldly. “What are you telling her?”

Ash bit his lip. He did not really want to pick a fight with this Eiji. He knew those eyes. They fitted him perfectly before.

Eiji laughed in disbelief. “Jesus, Ash, you keep telling me you’re fine. Can’t you be fucking honest with me, _here at my house_ , for once?”

He wasn’t going to protest. Shit, he did not want to make this about him again. Especially now that their roles had reversed, now that it was Eiji taking care of Ash in, what was for him, a foreign land. “I’m fine… Look, let’s talk about this tonight, just not in front of your sister…”

“Stop fucking babying me!” Eiji then swore loudly before wiping his eyes. “Dammit, you always keep saying that, but you never-“

“It’s not that I don’t trust you!” Ash bit his lip harder after saying it. He kept biting even when he could taste the blood. “Shit, look, I’m sorry for raising my voice… uh,” he stood up. He was bad at this, always fucking lashing out when he was cornered, like some fucking beast, ready to hurt- “We’ll talk about it later, ok?” Ash then grabbed his half-full bowl and left, running as he sipped the last of his meal.

\--

At least the waves were less threatening.

More people were staring at him as he sat there in his stained pink yukata that he was surer belonged to Kiku than her brother. He did not care about their watchful gaze, or his mangled appearance, or the sand on his toes. He used to despise the sea because it reminded him of home. In the end, he’d end up crawling back to it, _the fucking irony._

“Hi,” someone called out behind him.

“Is Eiji there?” he said as his sister came out behind him, now wearing loose white shorts and letting her head sink to her knees.

“Nope, just me,” she said with that rough twang. “Told him to stay and clean the dishes,” she added with a laugh.

Ash chortled. “Oh man. _He’ll kill you for skipping on chores again.”_

_“Nah, he owes me one for bringing you back,”_ she stuck out her tongue. “ _But first, we’re swimming.”_

_“Swimming? With this on?”_

_“You can just go in your boxers,”_ she shrugged. _“Show everyone here how fit foreigners are.”_

_“I got fat. Not much reason for me to keep in shape.”_ In addition, no one had attempted to kill him for the past eight months, an all-time high. “ _And because of the food.”_

_“At least my brother’s done something right. You ever tried making him korokke?”_

_“Korokke?”_

_“Potatoes and ground beef croquettes. Ma used to make us that all the time till dad got sick. Big bro was crazy about them.”_

He shook his head. _“I didn’t even know he was crazy about them.”_

She laughed. “ _What about you? What was your favorite food as a kid?”_

_“Can’t think of anything to be honest,”_ he said. “ _Didn’t have a ma. Nah, don’t apologize,”_ he was quick to cut off any pity. “ _Life ain’t fair. No one’s born equal, the whole shebang.”_

_“But we’re all gonna die either way.”_

He laughed at this. “ _Yeah, that’s a part of life too.”_

She nodded. Foamy water then sifted against their toes. The tide was coming in. “ _He told me how you weren’t scared of dying. He hated you for awhile ‘coz of that.”_

_“I’m not surprised he hid that resentment well,”_ Ash said. “I used to be scared of something else then.”

_“What?”_

_“_ Seeing your brother die _,_ ” he said before taking off the yukata. His belly was a different beast entirely. “ _Now I’m more scared of eating natto._ ”

\--

His worst fears were confirmed after their swim when Eiji picked them up just as the sun began to set. “We’re having natto, and that’s final,” he said as he threw them extra towels. One look at his sister was enough for her to run straight to the showers. _Traitor,_ Ash clicked his tongue as Eiji now handed him a grey set of robes this time.

“Underwear is under. Those are mine this time, not hers,” he pointed at the fresh clothes on Ash’s arms. “Come with me. Let’s walk there,” he pointed at the lighthouse only a kilometer away.

Ash did not dare protest as he juggled drying himself, donning the yukata, and matching Eiji’s quick pace. The latter kept his mouth closed as they walked along the yellowish-white sand.

“I’ll wash her yukata later,” he started as Eiji kept his gaze forward.

“She’ll do it. Her fault for pulling a fast one on you,” Eiji replied flatly. Ash flinched at this, and didn’t dare to catch sight of Eiji’s expression.

He nodded and wiped his eyes. The sand was getting unmanageable, that’s all.

“Do you like it here?” Eiji said in that cold tone of his. Ash did not know how to respond. He kept talking. “I don’t. I like it back in New York. But if we go back, I’ll probably lose you again. I’m selfish, aren’t I?”

Ash wasn’t the only one wiping his eyes. Eiji inhaled deeply before continuing: “I hate this, this fucking country for shunning you. I fucking hate myself for not doing anything to change it.”

They stopped just at the foot of the lighthouse. Eiji still did not look at him. “I now understand why you hated Cape Cod. It doesn’t feel like home anymore.”

The clouds provided a new palette for the sun to work on. The sky was pink, and orange, and purple. God, they were still doing a shitty job in comforting Eiji though.

“Well for me…” he laughed as he neared Eiji. “New York’s magic had worn off a little. I’m starting to like the quiet.”

“What about the library? Don’t you miss it?”

“Yeah, now that you mention it…” he laughed. “At least it’s free, and I can read most of the books. But no more crying over spilled milk, amirite?” It was funny, how despite knowing the machinations behind the trick, he still can’t help but like the magician who pulled it. He held Eiji’s hand. “I can’t go back, that’s the fucking truth.”

“For now, but maybe-“

He shook his head. “I offed a lot of heads. I was a murderer and nothing’s gonna change that. Even if they were shitty people, they were still people.” His voice hitched a little. “There’s nothing for me there. Here though…”

“I guess that thought scares me,” Eiji said as he yanked back his hand. “That maybe I’m not enough for you to stay.”

Ash embraced him. As Eiji’s hands curled around his body, Ash closed his eyes tightly, trying to shut out the hammering of his heart.

“That’s not true,” he murmured.

“I’m a terrible liar,” Eiji said as he pulled him tighter. “But you’re no better.”

_Listen child,_ the sun seemed to whisper before it left. _Sometimes a love dies._

_\--_

Ash had a future here. He knew it. His head and heart were sure of it.

Dinner was a quiet affair. Ash glumly ate his natto as the rest ate their hot pot. Eiji was the sole entertainer of the house, reintroducing Ash to his aging mother and grandmother. Her mother was in worse shape than last time, taking much longer to respond as Eiji gave her _nabe._ It was easier for Eiji to blend in with his family, more natural for him to smile his way throughout.

He was not used to it, the flimsy pleasantries, the collected wariness… It was suffocating, much more suffocating than the walls of that bald geezer’s abode. Ash couldn’t escape this new life laid ahead of him. He did not have a choice.

“ _Your Japanese is better than last time,”_ Eiji’s mother said as they ate the matcha _zenzai_ her daughter prepared. “ _And you finished your natto.”_

She had the exact same eyes as the rest of them. Eiji did not miss a beat as he poured them tea.

Ash could top that.

“ _I had a good teacher,_ ” he said, pointing at Eiji. “ _If you want, I can whip up fruit sandwiches for you to take tomorrow.”_

_“Thank you,”_ she said, her voice thin. _“Are you still staying with my son?”_ He did not like how perfectly kind her tone was.

“ _He is,_ ” Eiji’s façade did not crack as he swooped in to the rescue. “ _He’s still looking for a flat, so in the meantime…”_

_“In separate beds?”_

Eiji paused.

_“In separate beds, Ei-chan?”_

For a moment, a shadow passed over Eiji’s face. His sister did not notice, but Ash had enough experience in America and New Years to know what it meant, and quickly replied, “ _Yes, we sleep in separate beds-“_

_“No,”_ Eiji said. “ _We sleep together.”_

Only the AC made a sound. Eiji’s sister attempted to ask if there was more dessert, but the damage had been done.

_“There’s no problem, right Ma?”_ Eiji’s voice was rising. “ _It’s because the place is cramped, if you have any common sense left to spare for us.”_ Ash held the same wrist he held during New Year’s, but Eiji did not let it linger this time.

“ _Don’t you have any money to buy a pull-up mattress then? I thought you had two jobs.”_

_“Ma, the bed is big enough for the two of us,”_ Eiji said.

_“Then I’ll pay for the mattress. You can pay me later.”_

_“It’s fine. I’m saving up for an apartment anyway. By then, you don’t have to pay for rent. You don’t have to deliver food to me. Are you finished?”_

All of them knew he did not mean dessert. Ash kept examining the table as if it were a precious Mayan artifact.

“ _You’re still together, then_?” she said, pursing her lips.

“ _Yes. Are we still allowed in this house?”_

His grandma then raised her bony hand. She wanted seconds.

\--

“It’s hard to take in, innit? That maybe we made a mistake,” Eiji laughed hollowly in the bath half an hour later. He took the cool towel his sister prepared just beside them and gave it to Ash.

“About us?”

“ _Well, that’s still debatable_ ,” Eiji said, now switching to Japanese. “ _I meant staying here. I’ll ask my friends if there are any vacancies.”_

“Can I have an honest answer from you then? I’m serious, Eiji. Why are we here?”

“ _It’s the Izumo Shinwa. You can’t miss the 8,000 firework display-_ “

“I’m not asking for half-truths, Ei. Is this the last time you want to see them?”

It took Eiji a while to answer. “I want to drink.”

“No. We’re making breakfast tomorrow. We promised your old woman-“

“I want to drink,” Eiji said firmly. “ _I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of feeling shitty about it._ ”

\--

The nights in Izumo were cooler but just as serene as Tokyo. After tucking a tipsy Eiji to bed, he followed Kiku to the back porch. He thanked her for the coffee and for helping him bring Eiji home.

“ _Uhm, today was eventful. It will get better tomorrow,_ ” she said as she sipped her own share. “ _And I didn’t know you’d be so weak._ ”

“ _Eiji always pulled me out of bed to wake me up_ ,” Ash said fondly. “ _He was always the one picking up the slack. Don’t underestimate him._ ” Yes, even if Eiji did end up light-headed after a single shot of whisky. He hoped she forgot about that.

“ _Hard to believe after seeing him drop dead after two sips_.”

_Well, shit,_ he thought. _Kami-sama_ wasn’t on his side tonight. “That wasn’t the first time since I arrived,” he admitted. “Again, you have a crazy older brother.”

“ _He was the one who finished dad’s sake during New Year’s, wasn’t he?_ ”

_“I think it was me. Look, can we forget about that? I still can’t believe your ma agreed to see me after what happened.”_

“ _We didn’t know you’d come. But seriously, that was one mean save with the hotpot back at New Year’s. Grandma likes talking about it,”_ she said. “ _And then onii-chan broke the door, and ma’s heart…”_

Ash attempted to shush the rest. “ _To be fair, he did overreact.”_

_“Having shouting matches was big bro’s hobby when dad was hospitalized_ ,” she shrugged. “ _It’s the only thing I don’t miss.”_

_“He’s not always like that with me. We rarely duked it out especially when I came here.”_ Ash always fancied himself to be talented at escaping. On the other hand, he only knew how to feel better by destroying things. Maybe that was why. _“I can’t believe you put up with this.”_

“ _I just can’t cook as well as big bro. Hell, you’ve become better than me._ ” She laughed as Ash’s eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. “ _And I’m not as brave. I don’t think I’d be able to go to another land and snag a tall and handsome American-“_

He waved off further adjectives. “True, he is brave.” There had been no space for Eiji there, so he had ended up carving one. “He wasn’t afraid to love.”

Kiku began rubbing her eyes. “ _Stop that! You’re making me cry. So much cheese-“_

He remembered that time he slept in the library, and then woke up. “I forgot that I’m so damn lucky… _”_ It must be the alcohol messing up his brain.

“ _I find it funny, y’know_ ,” she said. “ _Onii-chan wasn’t always like that. He gave up on pole-vaulting, but till now he never gave up on you.”_

_“He’s pole-vaulting now though.”_

_“That’s because of you. Even Ibe-san couldn’t make him.”_

He stuck out his tongue. “That’s because I’m a tall and handsome American. _Maybe tall and handsome American can turn things around.”_ She was right. Eiji never _did_ give up on him. Now it was his turn. But he couldn’t do it alone.

\--

Eiji was always the first to reach out. That made him brave. It was that simple. In a sense, that was the advantage of having a family, _at least a normal family_ , Ash thought as he waited patiently for the pot to heat and for the kettle to screech.

“ _Morning ma_ -“ he heard a yawn before a muffled scream as a woken soul padded into the kitchen. “What the hell are you wearing, Ash?”

He turned pink at this and rubbed the flowery handkerchief tied around his head. “Shut up. Your sister said this will give me plus points with your ma. Plus, I look cute, you dogbreath motherfucker.”

Eiji stifled a laugh. “What’s with the apron? You look like a baby doll-“

Ash ignored whatever his asshole of a boyfriend would say and put a wooden chopstick in the oil to check for bubbles. “If you don’t have anything meaningful to contribute, there’s tea on the table.”

Eiji rubbing the sleep from his mismatched eyes, “I am dreaming. I can’t believe you’re up at four…” Ash nearly howled as Eiji’s head craned over his left shoulder. “What are you making?”

“Shhh!” Ash waved him off as he carefully placed one then four potato-starched chicken thighs in the wok. “It’s _karaage_ , alright?”

“Oh…” Eiji trailed off turning at the small bowl of sweet-chili sauce and chopped cilantro near the sink. “Kiku taught you?”

“Give me some space, geez…” This wasn’t the first time he made _karaage,_ but he wanted this to be the first time he cooked it well. She specified that he wait for 90 seconds or until the chicken turned a light golden brown…

“Hey, they’re done-“

“Fuck you, Eiji!” Ash said through gritted teeth before scooping each of them up onto the plate with paper towels. “Be a good boy and wait at the table, ok?”

“Don’t forget to pick up the crumbs after to keep the oil clean.”

“God, I know, I know…”

“Then increase heat and deep fry them again-“

“Don’t distract me, dammit!”

He could hear Eiji’s raucous laughter and then water pouring. “What came over you to make breakfast now?”

“To prove I’m capable. Dammit, stop blabbing!” He flinched at the hot oil. “You have a hangover so-“

“Could’ve made _shijimi_ clam soup instead,” Eiji called out from the small table. “Local cure-“

Ash pointed at the pot beside the wok. “Done.”

“What about the rice…”

He pointed at the warm rice cooker before giving Eiji the most annoying smirk he could muster.

“Well, _ok…_ ”

“You’ve been sleeping on me too long!” Ash said proudly before yelping at the hissing oil. “And you think the house sweethearts association is baloney-“

“Fine, I accede…”

“It’s _concede_ , babe-“

“Shut up. I’m still better at house!”

“And I look cuter playing house-“ Ash pushed the wisps of hair behind his ear.

“That doesn’t count!” Eiji interjected before laughing. Ash followed before hastily pulling out the brown chicken. “Imagine what Sing and the rest would say if I take picture of you…”

“Don’t even think about it,” Ash rolled his eyes.

“They won’t believe it anyway,” Eiji said. “The top dog of Manhattan, wearing frilly apron and cooking for Japanese family.”

“That’s true,” Ash said quietly. Alex would even burn the picture to protect his legacy and dignity. He looked at Eiji. His smile, though bright and honest, looked a little weathered.

He was not the only one who couldn’t forget.

“I’m sorry for hitting you,” Eiji said. Ash couldn’t look at both of his eyes.

“Eh, it ain’t a powder puff, that’s for sure. I can’t eat the chicken, so, uh, just tell me if it’s good.” He poured the oil carefully in a wooden bowl. “Should’ve told me you were working part time there.”

“ _Didn’t want you to worry._ I wanted to earn quickly, my fault. Want us to move out sooner.”

“I can work y’know. There’s a 7-11 across the street-“

“I’ll help you set table,” Eiji said curtly, his manners rote like a defense mechanism. Ash then turned up the heat of the new frying pan he was using.

“Even your ma said my Japanese is ok,“ Ash tried to keep the situation under control. “You’ve been on edge lately. Perhaps it’s time I-“

“Focus on the damn pan first,” Eiji did not raise his voice.

“Can you give me a chance, please-“

“Can you trust me, just _fucking once, please?”_ He could no longer sustain his English and fixed his livid eyes on Ash. “ _I’m trying my best. You think I’m doing a shitty job?”_

Ash swallowed. Shit, shit, it was barely five in the morning and everything was already going to hell. “No, I just wish you’d let me-“

“ _I’ve been letting you do whatever the hell you want in New York,_ ” Eiji seethed. “ _I’ve witnessed you get shot, stabbed, bruised, broken for two years. Two fucking years. I’m sick of it,_ ” Eiji said as his hands were preoccupied with setting the plates, the bowls, and the cutlery. “ _I don’t want to see you break anymore. I might not be able to help you become whole again.”_ Tears fell when he finished. “Set pan to medium high after putting sauce and cilantro before you add chicken, ok?” Then Eiji walked out.

\--

“So, status report,” Ash said after their tense breakfast. Eiji once more said nothing as he ate and made no comment on his sweet-chili _karaage_. “It’s only been nine months and we’re already falling apart.”

“ _The food was good though_ ,” Kiku pointed out as they ate chilled chestnut and red bean jelly this time. Eiji, his mom, and his grandma had gone on ahead to Susa Shrine to prepare for the procession that afternoon. “ _The chicken was a little burnt, but ok._ ”

“The last time I saw him that mad was when I ran off the first time and got lost. I kept telling people _lost_ and they sent me to this host club which was also named ‘Lost.’ He and the police found me there. He even had me return the money I earned during my stay. I was grounded after that.”

“ _You_ could _work at a host club in the meantime though.”_

“ _Yeah, the pay was good. And the clients were less gross than the last place I worked in.”_

“ _I’m surprised you’re not mad at big bro for earlier.”_

_“I still haven’t figured him out. I can’t sweet talk him, and we’ve had shouting matches before… What he said fucking hurt though. That idiot…”_ he blew his hair back. He can’t find anything else to criticize other than Eiji’s temperament. The _mizu yokan_ he made was fucking divine.

“ _There’s still time to salvage things though. The fireworks display’s tonight, and we can still pull off Plan Z later.”_

_“You make lunch then. I’ll treat you to some cream soda.”_

_“Ok, deal!”_

_\--_

Eiji was absent during lunch and it became rather awkward to face his mother without a fort to hide in. It was unlike Ash to cower, but mothers can be formidable. Just ask Jess.

Ash helped with the dishes and preparing for the fireworks display later until mid-afternoon. Eiji was still nowhere in sight. He gulped. Looks like he had to skip ahead to Plan Y.

His mother was in the kitchen, humming along with the boiling metal pot, peeling potatoes. His heart leapt.

“ _Are you making korokke?”_ Fuck, he forgot how to pull off formal Japanese. She gave him a long, hard look, reminiscent of Eiji’s before nodding reluctantly. “ _Can I help?”_

It took her two minutes before she wordlessly let him peel and boil the potatoes. Next was mashing it with butter, pepper, and salt. Ash nearly spilled it. Afterwards, he was asked to sauté some onions and add ground beef. The silence nearly drove him crazy until she spoke.

“ _Use the wooden spoon_ ,” she said.

“ _Sorry?”_

She made a vertical motion at the beef, instantly clicking with Ash. He then started breaking it down. A heavenly smell began to waft through the kitchen after a minute. She then instructed him to add salt and ground black pepper.

_“You cook often?_ ” She then said in that small voice of hers.

“ _Only since I came here_ ,” he said, careful not to burn the meat this time.

She nodded. _“Ah, that’s why Ei-chan cooks better.”_

Mommy was damn proud of her son, that was for sure. “ _Yeah, he’s been cooking me Japanese food back in the States.”_

“ _He didn’t make you this?”_ She turned off the stove and let the meat cool. Ash shook his head. “ _He’s making you miss out then.”_

Ash snickered. He misjudged her a little bit since she called Eiji ‘ungrateful’ on New Year’s. He was still keeping his guard up though. Never underestimate mothers, as his old daddy-o would say. “ _I heard this was his favorite.”_

“ _His dad used to love them too. I had to make sure we’d only have them once a month. His dad was a shrewd fellow. He’d have the leftovers frozen and then make them into sandwiches for his lunch_. _Ei-chan would always make them for him.”_

Ash felt his heart deflating as he watched her remove the juice from the meat. His sister did say she never made them until their dad fell ill.

He could see a sad smile worming on the edges of her mouth. “ _Don’t tell Ei-chan this, but I knew he loved his dad more. That’s just how things are, especially now that he’s gone._ ” She then signaled him to add the meat in the large bowl filled with potatoes and mixed them with surprising strength. “ _We had a big fight before Ei-chan left. He said there was nothing for him here. He wasn’t able to compete then. I lost the first man in my life after. I did not want to lose the last one too. Sorry, the pepper,”_ she laughed as she wiped her face with a towel.

Ash said nothing as that same sick feeling pooled in the pit of his stomach. It was strange, how love could become manic and possessive. He remembered Dino. He knew it wasn’t the same, but he could not reconcile Eiji’s harsh admonitions to her own platitudes.

_“I don’t want him to lose you too_ ,” he said. “ _Forsaking a home like yours isn’t the best choice to make.”_ He paused. “ _Have you told him this then?”_

_“He won’t listen.”_

_“Then try again,”_ Ash said, his eyes glistening. “ _Give him an earful on the phone. I’ll make him listen if I have to. But you should also listen to him. Let him speak his piece.”_

_“He doesn’t want to.”_

_“He will. In the meantime, you should listen to Kiku.”_ He scratched his head. “ _I’ve met plenty of adults with the same mindset as you. They did not let us speak and paid dearly for it. I’m pretty sure there’s still a chance now though. I mean, he must’ve come here to give you one, right?”_

“ _I’m letting a child school me.”_ She then began to teach him how to make balls out of the meat and potatoes. “ _Used to do this with Eiji and Kiku before.”_

It took him three balls to get the hang of it. “ _I’ve learned from your son that everyone wants to be seen deep, deep down. We tend to numb this desire because we think it’s a sign of weakness. We perfect, we hide our vulnerabilities. We fuck other people up, even our loved ones, because of that stupid. Fucking. Fear…”_ Ash nearly destroyed the korokke ball in his hands. _“I’m sorry, that was out of line._ ”

Her eyes were bloodshot. “ _And Eiji found you?”_

Ash nodded. The smile on his face was pure and genuine. Tears fell. He did not care anymore. “ _I’m not a good person, that is true. He had enough reason to stop himself for trying. There was no guarantee that I’ll stick around. He did not care and kept reaching out.”_ He could not focus on the task anymore. “ _He loved me first and did not look back.”_

Eiji’s mom lost it then, and covered her face. Soon, sobbing turned into laughter. Ash couldn’t believe he ended up opening himself up this much, especially to a person who almost shunned her son because of him. Ash’s brain had been working differently since he left New York, though he wouldn’t admit it to Eiji, for now. He had become slower at taking things in. Ash began to understand why words are more important.

_“We’re ruining the korokke_ ,” Eiji’s mom said as she gave Ash an extra towel. They hastily finished the rest and put it in the fridge. “ _Eiji can be a reckless child.”_

Ash nodded. _“He can be reckless. That’s why I stuck around. His mess is mine to take.”_

She covered her nose. “ _And dawn is yours to break. Now hurry up and change.”_

\--

Kiku was laughing when Ash wrapped himself in white undergarments. “ _She smelled you, huh?_ ”

“Shut up,” he spat back. “I can’t believe you people are fucking obsessed with baths-“

“Shimane’s an _onsen_ capital, yo,” she said. “Next time ask Eiji to take you around for real. Don’t let his stingy ass make you miss out on things.”

“I asked your mom to listen to you next time.”

“Eh, she’ll probably forget about it. Thanks though.” She then led him to their grandmother, who bowed low at him. He returned it reluctantly. “She wanted to dress you up for the festival.” She pulled his left wrist and soon made him fly across an array of yukatas. Soon enough, she pulled out one of deep blue with silver and gold embroidery of frogs, peonies, and bluebells on the sleeves. She then gave him another deep bow before handing him a small drawstring bag, and then shooing him outside.

Kiku, wearing a bright orange yukata with balls printed on the sleeves, had clogs two inches taller than the ones he wore, and a yellow camellia pin on her head.

“You should be grateful. She let you borrow one of her prized yukatas!” Ash said as she began to mess with his hair.

“What’s with the frogs anyway? She could’ve given me one with the lion, or the butterflies.”

_“_ Frogs are _kaeru_ if you read it another way. They’re usually associated with returning. She must mean ‘welcome home’.”

He felt his throat ache then. He couldn’t think of something snarky to say. “Oh.”

_“Grandma likes that kind of thing. Now go on, pick a pin, any pin,”_ Kiku said as she took out a black box of silk and opened it, revealing plenty of pins inside, from carnations, to irises, poppies, bluebells, and lilies. All had an enchanting bejeweled glaze. Ash did not know why, but he suddenly took out a simple black pin with an orange chrysanthemum at the end.

She nodded and began to muss up his hair and pinned it carefully on the back. Ash felt his shoulders rise a little at the sensation. “Didn’t expect you to choose a mum…”

“ _Why? What does it mean?”_

“Eh, it’s for you to ask big bro about,” she shrugged before admiring her handiwork. “Go on, shoo, shoo!”

He found it difficult walking and nearly tripped on his yukata several times before he reached the door where Eiji’s mom was waiting for him. In her hand was a circular black ceramic bento. She put it in the drawstring bag and signaled him to a bicycle propped against the porch. He then heard a honking noise and saw a waving Kiku on her own bike.

“ _Bring him back here again_ ,” the older woman smiled. “ _Make him remember._ ”

He nodded and followed the orange-clad blur.

\--

To their bewilderment, Eiji was only about ten metres away, still wearing cargo shorts, hair tousled back by the wind. He was as stupefied as they were.

“You going to the river already?”

Ash felt more and more awkward, especially when Kiku hollered a ‘We Out’ and went back, leaving him to execute Plan Z alone. “Uh, we just came to pick you up-“

Eiji nodded. “Ok.”

“Yeah,” _This is not the best time to be lost for words now, you stupid idiot._ “Uh, you wanna change?”

He shook his head. “I’m fine. You sure you can manage with that? I can, you know-“ he pointed at the bike and the seat at the back. “Let’s explore before the fireworks.”

It really was difficult to get out of the bike with the yukata and those goddamn clogs. Eiji’s face was a blank canvass as he waited patiently. “Kiku made you wear that?”

“Granny did.”

“Oh,” Eiji said as he caught the bike in time. “She must think you are a girl.”

Ash’s cheeks coloured as it hit him. No wonder Eiji wore straw slippers. “Shit, I should change-“

Eiji snickered as he got on the front seat. “Nah, you take too long in changing. What about the pin? Kiku’s fault?”

“Uhuh. I chose it from her collection.”

Eiji’s laughter was loud and irksome. Ash huffed at his reaction.

“What? You think my taste is shit? Just grabbed one without thinking-“

“No, not that. I just found it funny,” he said wiping his eyes. “I bought the exact kind of flowers hours ago.”

“You should’ve given me one. Might’ve pulled off a convincing woman afterwards…”

“Mums are for dead people, dumbass.”

“Y’know what, I really should change-“

“ _At least the white ones are_ ,” Eiji shrugged. “ _For grief and death. But sometimes, mums also mean another thing: Rebirth._ ”

\--

Eiji ended up pedaling the bike and relegating Ash to passenger as they rode past the one-way streets and onto the highway that trailed to the circuitous Hikawa river and long stretches of rice fields. The sun was still not keen on coming down as it dazzled them so much that Ash wished he brought Shorter’s sunglasses with him.

“Grandma used to dye indigo fabrics before living with us. She rarely brings her works out.”

“She must like me then.”

“She won’t when she finds out Ash a slob.”

“Let me have my moment, dammit!”

“She not wrong to bring it out. Suits you.” He then pedaled faster the closer they got to the bridge.

“Hold up, Eiji! Slow down and let me blush, damn you-“

Eiji then raised a fist as they reached the middle and Ash could see the winding river below. He gasped as he saw its length, winding up straight to the mountain range on their right, the sea on their left.

But Eiji wasn’t finished yet.

“Watch this!” He said, just as he released his grip on the handlebars. Ash knew that Shorter would be laughing his ass off just seeing him screech the little life he had left as they went down the bridge and nearly hit a truck. Eiji laughed in Shorter’s stead, then when he began pedalling again, “Your face was priceless! Next time I take picture-“

Ash was sure he wouldn’t let himself ride a bicycle with Eiji again.

“Thank you, Ash. _Made me feel like I’m in high school again.”_

They turned right and made their way down the riverside. Eiji had a gift, surely, in changing Ash’s mind. It captivated him, the jewelled waters, the people clad in multicoloured kimonos, the smell of _yakitori_.

Eiji’s firm grip was enough to pull him out. “Don’t get lost.”

He wanted to understand how easy it was for Eiji to forget their fights and let him have his way. How Eiji could become apologetic as Ash complained about not coming there during the first day and seeing the local and regional performances.

“Another reason for us to return next year,” he said as he let Ash be distracted by the stalls, let him take as much _yakisoba,_ and choco bananas, and _taiyaki_ he could stuff himself with, swollen jaw be damned. He let Ash take his purse as he tried his hand at shooting ducks, catching goldfish, playing with poi balls. It was an arrangement that Ash had grown accustomed to back in New York, where he let Eiji become his submissive half, letting him wilt away as he fancied himself a poster boy for action films, embracing tragedy and violence in gritty set pieces and soaring skylines. It was too damn addicting.

He looked at the skewered balls in his hand and then at Eiji. “Remember the time I took off my shoes when we entered the restaurant back in Shibuya?” 

Eiji’s laughed solidified his presence as he bit a piece of Ash’s _takoyaki._ “Mmm, nothing tops the time you ate the wasabi in fridge thinking it ice cream.”

“I still think the maid café fiasco takes the cake.”

“Not taking baths at least once a week is gross.”

“Sashimi’s grosser!”

Both of them flipped each other off in kind.

“Well, at least this is another thing I can tell Max and Sing about when they call again,” Ash said. “Me wearing a girl’s yukata for his first summer festival. You now have evidence for them to laugh at,” he pointed at the camera in Eiji’s hands.

“Max-san called a week ago at work,” Eiji said. “Asked how you were adjusting as house husband and if you did not overcook fish this time. I told him you suck.”

“You little fucking devil…”

“He say our friends miss you. Nadia also say hi. She says we come to USA in October for baby. I tell them you can’t sleep when I’m not around. They say will send you cute teddy bear.”

“Tell them I’ll be twenty soon, geez.”

“Too late!” Eiji said, pulling out a pink plush bear out of his bag. “They send it to B-san. That’s why I was there. But you came and hit me with weak punch-“

“I’ll show you who’s weak-“

Ash kicked back the clogs to chase Eiji up to the river’s edge. A crowd was beginning to form in anticipation of the fireworks display later. It was already dark out, the sky a blue melting ice lolly. Eiji had the advantage of wearing sneakers and managed to keep himself two feet away.

“Fine,” Ash panted, lungs finally giving out after ten minutes of cat and mouse. He really was out of shape. “I’ll get ya tomorrow.”

“You’re fifteen years too early to beat _onii-chan!”_ Bastard even has the gall to repeat his words at him as he attempted a victory dance and dodged Ash’s poi ball. He then took out a water bottle and gave it to Ash. Always the boy scout. At least that’s one thing he was sure of Eiji.

The rest of him, however…

“Alex and Bones and Kong, working now. Sing’s growing. Ibe-san’s there until October, will send picture. They say they’re doing fine without you.” Eiji said as they went to the throngs of people again to retrieve the clogs and his bike. His family was waiting for them at their usual spot. “Say you don’t have to fuss about them anymore.”

They were off again, with Eiji pedalling the bike and Ash pressing the teddy bear closer to his chest.

“You ok?” Eiji asked.

“Yeah… You?”

“You heavy now. Stop eating too much.”

“You’re asking for the impossible, with the grub you and your mom crank up,” Ash pointed out. He should call Max next time. Maybe they could visit when he and Jess weren’t fighting again.

The night sky seemed to be in reach the longer he looked up. He had forgotten how bright stars could shine.

“ _I used to ride on the back of this bike all the time. My dad and I would go when the nights are calm,”_ Eiji said. “ _If there’s no moon, you’d be able to see a ton of shooting stars.”_

“What do you usually wish for?”

“ _Korokke,_ ” he laughed. “ _The gods will always grant me my wish. I think ma made a pact with them.”_

Eiji stopped at the parking area of a shrine just as firelight bloomed in the night sky.

“Eh, we can’t see the night sky now! Looks like gods don’t like me anymore,” he grumbled.

“You underestimate the gods too much,” Ash yelled just as four then five more shells of red, green, and gold burst forth. “Here,” he said just as the familiar orange silhouette of Kiku ran towards them, a sparkler in one hand and a small paper kite in the other. Ash gave the drawstring bag to Eiji. “You didn’t eat earlier.”

_Maybe when they say love, they mean a safe place to fall apart_ , Ash would conclude as Eiji opened the bento and saw the contents, as his celestial eyes met Ash’s and it crumbled, as he parted his mouth only to close it again. His hand trembled as it pulled out a _korokke_ and stuffed half of it in his mouth.

“ _They’re cold, you idiot,”_ he said and wept.

\--

Ash ended up getting berated by Eiji’s older family when Eiji pointed him out as the culprit of Eiji’s distress, and received two helpings of _musubi_ with their famous Shimane _wagyu_ for the trouble.

_“Seriously, you always like stirring drama wherever we go,_ ” Eiji said as he gave him a glass of melon soda and his last piece of _korokke._ “ _This is the first time I cried in front of my family. They’d definitely tell the rest of my aunties and uncles-_ “

“Pot calling the kettle black,” Ash retorted . “Those were tears of joy, you’re just too chicken to admit it. Besides, I worked hard in making them with your ma-“

“ _No wonder they taste funny-_ “

“I’ll do them better next time,” Ash pouted. “Prepare to eat your words!”

Eiji brushed back Ash’s hair and cradled the orange mum for a moment. Ash ignored the collective eyes of his mother and grandma as Eiji scooted closer. Below them, sparklers spouted out from a section of the bank. During the display, Eiji had told him how the fireworks corresponded to the eight vats of _sake_ Susanoo used to incapacitate Orochi, the malevolent eight-headed dragon who dwelled in the Hiikawa river.

“So I’m Susanoo, the jerk god with a heart of gold,” Ash drawled.

“No, I’m Susanoo,” Eiji said. “Not everything about you, Ash.”

Ash laughed at this. He wanted to tell Eiji he was the rabbit of Inaba but let him have his way. “Yeah, I keep forgetting that.”

“That’s fine,” Eiji waved off. “People want to feel they important, that they have a place in the world. I also forget that.”

Both of them kept their eyes affixed on the fireworks. When they return home, he’ll try contacting Blanca. Ash wanted to talk about the leopard in Hemingway’s short. Maybe the leopard wanted to climb up because it had nothing left to live for. It had lost its sense of meaning. He had thought the same way because of that. He was terrified of living, of starting over to find his place in these unknown lands.

It had been all about him again. He had sailed already, but still, Ash kept looking back to a home long gone. He had forgotten to look up at the stars that dwelled in Eiji’s eyes.

He had also forgotten the nights they shined against, that suns were also stars.

“ _I came to see dad earlier,_ ” Eiji said, much quieter this time. “ _I told him all about New Year’s, how I broke everything in the house as I left. How I was mad at everyone for not telling me he was gone, and how hard I keep telling myself not to be. They wanted me to be happy, but here I can’t even give them that. Here, nothing’s changed and I’ve changed too much.”_ He then wiped his eyes. “ _I’ve tried very hard, always been trying to make our place here. I don’t want to listen to that tiny voice inside my head that keeps telling me coming here was a mistake. I wish I can take it back,”_ Eiji exhaled before letting out a deflated laugh. “I don’t want you to see me like this. Bad for my image as good host.”

Kiku was calling them from behind, asking them to come and get _tsukune_ she just grilled _._

Ash inhaled. “Well shit, that rough, huh? Want me to help?”

“Heck yeah,” Eiji wiped his nose. “About time you earn your share.”

He blinked. “You forreal?”

“Yeah,” Eiji nodded. “Still weak Japanese klutz, ok? Happy?”

Ash rubbed his chin. Finally, score one on his end. “Hehe, my expertise is finally needed. You owe me.”

“Fine. What you want? Kiss? Bed? Massage?”

“Can’t you think of something more extravagant? I don’t come cheap, you crazy broke Asian,” Ash stuck out his tongue. “Another day in Izumo and one _warigo_ soba.”

Eiji bit his lip. “ _Fine, you entitled American._ That all?”

“Make me _korokke_ everyday too.”

“Eh? I don’t know how!”

“Ask your ma then. I won’t tell you.”

He pouted. “Fine. What else?”

Ash shrugged. “Yeah, I think that settles it.”

Eiji’s eyes widened. “Really? That’s all?”

“Yeah.” He was a simple man. Just spending this much time with Eiji was enough.

Eiji thought differently though. “Hmm… I thought you’d be demanding more… I mean today is a special day…”

“Well, there’s the fireworks, and you so…”

“What’s up?” Kiku said, popping up beside Ash much to their displeasure. She then handed each of them the grilled chicken skewers drizzled in yakitori sauce. “You done fighting now?”

“Oh my god, you forgot!” Eiji started to laugh. “Bring the cake over, sis!”

Ash turned red at this. “What’s the cake for? Me being welcomed in the family or something?”

Eiji’s laugh was getting more and more annoying. “It’s your birthday, dumbass.”

“What?”

“It’s your birthday,” Eiji was clinging onto Kiku as their mother brought Ash a small round cake smothered in white icing with glazed fruits and an orange chrysanthemum on top. A lone candle was perched on top along with _Happy birthday, Asslan_ in big red letters.

“That’s not how my name’s spelled, geez,” Ash said, attempting to poke Eiji with his bamboo stick. “Whatever, let’s get this over with.”

“ _Happy birthday,”_ said everyone. Ash felt his face getting hot after blowing the candle. It was his first time getting a cake and he did not want Eiji to tell everyone on the other side of the world.

“Here’s gift from Okumuras!” Eiji’s sister said as she handed him two kites, each made out of a single stroke of either red or black paint. “ _Iwaidako,_ for long life.”

“ _The red one’s a crane, for 1,000 years,”_ said Eiji’s mom as she pointed at each one. “ _The black one’s a turtle, for 10,000 years.”_

Ash held up the two kites, each almost a foot long. He had never flown a kite before back in Cape Cod. “Can I fly them tomorrow?”

“They’re not for flying. They’re celebration kites- ouch!” said Eiji as his sister elbowed his side. “ _Ok, let’s fly them tomorrow.”_

His grandmother spoke then. It would have helped if she had spoken aloud and in casual Japanese. He wanted to understand why her daughter coughed and Kiku pressed her lips together to hold back her laughter.

Eiji broke the silence. “ _Grandma, Ash doesn’t have one. He’s a boy!”_

_\--_

Ash had a dream for the first time in months. He was lying somewhere dark and damp. He would then see Eiji walking up to him with bloodshot eyes, in his hands where white chrysanthemums. It was a relief when he woke up and felt Eiji’s hands holding his as he slept fitfully, occasionally muttering the names of dishes he wanted to prepare. Ash's pink fluffy guardian lay between them.

He then stood up and grabbed the two kites by the door. Kiku was kind enough to leave spools of yarn to fly the kites with.

Ash’s excitement sputtered and died when he went outside and felt no wind.

“Too many trees,” Eiji explained, suddenly popping out on the porch behind him. Ash swore loudly in retaliation. “First time flying kite too?”

“I-I knew that!”

“Course you do, mister smartass,” Eiji yawned. “Wait for me outside. I’ll get the bike. Let’s go to beach.”

\--

“How did you do it?” Ash asked as the sky flushed pink, his crane kite almost thirty feet up with no signs of stopping. Eiji would shout in annoyance whenever Ash would tread past the sand and into the water.

“What?” Eiji said just in front of him, eyes keeping watch of his black kite and Ash.

“How did you learn to love me?”

“Because there were no other takers,” he said impatiently. “You’re difficult to love you know!”

“And you think you’re a fucking cakewalk? You like to keep me guessing you know!”

“Of course! I learned from the best!” Eiji said. “I just do it because you overreact!”

“I can’t run off here though. As if I know other people here aside from the Okumuras and Ibe-san…”

“Well, you will. You’ll meet new people. You’ll change.”

“Of course I will! You did!” Ash said, looking up at his kite, careful it didn’t tangle with Eiji’s. “But who cares?”

“Aren’t you scared that we’ll screw up?”

“We’ve screwed up already, a couple of times now,” Ash said. “Pretty sure your ma will think of me differently if she finds out what I’ve done. Who cares?”

“I do!”

“Well, that’s great then,” Ash laughed. “I care about you too. You’ll probably be a catatonic mess without me, wearing long hair and bug-eyed glasses and snapping pictures like Ibe-san when he broke up with Eiko-“

“And you’d be dead if I left you!”

“You bet I would!” Ash yelled.

“Then stay by my side!” Eiji sniffled. “It doesn’t have to be forever, just for now.”

“Forever!” It was good that the sun still wasn’t out to witness their cheesy exchange, as Ash nearly stumbled running to Eiji, as Eiji tried laughing away his tears by pointing at the orange chrysanthemum that barely clung to Ash’s hair before catching it.

Tenderness still did not fit Ash properly. Like those accursed four-inch clogs, wearing it took some getting used to. It was a little big around the edges and he stumbled with it as he walked. There were his soul’s scars about a mile wide, the inexhaustible weariness, the lingering ghosts-

Light began to flood the sky. Ash held on to Eiji’s free hand as they welcomed it. His hands were rough too.

_True, sometimes a love dies,_ he told the sun as it rose. _Then fools like us can start again._

_\--_

[Mess is Mine - Vance Joy](https://youtu.be/1C816p-KTNk)

**Author's Note:**

> Balvana's [DA](https://www.deviantart.com/balvana), [Instagram page](https://www.instagram.com/balvana_/), [Patreon](https://www.patreon.com/balvana), and [facebook page](https://www.facebook.com/balvana.digitalart). Please check out her works, especially her BF DJ's TAT
> 
> Additional references:
> 
> -A traditional Japanese breakfast usually features Salted Salmon (Shiojake), rice, miso soup (Tonjiru here), a vegetable side dish (Sunomomo in the fic), and egg (Tamagoyaki).
> 
> -[Izumo Shinwa](https://www.visitwestjapan.com/events/izumo-shinwa-summer-fireworks/) and the [Legend of Orochi](http://www.japanesemythology.jp/yamata-no-orochi/)
> 
> -[Cream soda,](https://www.justonecookbook.com/cream-soda/) aka the go-to summer drink!
> 
> -[Mizu Yokan](https://www.justonecookbook.com/mizu-yokan/)
> 
> -Zenzai is a popular dessert in Izumo! [This](https://www.justonecookbook.com/matcha-zenzai/) is a variation of it.
> 
> -[Nishime](https://www.justonecookbook.com/instant-pot-nishime/)
> 
> -[Anmitsu](https://www.justonecookbook.com/anmitsu/) for their sticky food fight lmao
> 
> -[Korokke](https://www.justonecookbook.com/anmitsu/) is a familiar and beloved comfort food in JP. What better way to bring Ash and Eiji's mom closer together than an afternoon making them lol
> 
> -Also, a beautiful [video](https://www.kankou-shimane.com/en/?p=7609) of Izumo, featuring sake brewing, tsutsudaki (indigo dyeing), Izumo iwaidako, and some of their famous landmarks. If you want to know about their temples and the food (the famous Izumo soba), I made a [fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15724065/chapters/36553836) where Ash enjoys six days around the Shimane Prefecture (and the nearby Oki islands).
> 
> -A [video](https://vimeo.com/271022787) about an Iwaidako maker. Iwaidakos are ornamental kites, displayed in houses rather than flown to signify momentous occasions (e.g. marriage). [These](http://www.japanartsandcrafts.com/bcoiw.html) are what the kites look like. 
> 
> Do you think Ash and Eiji will make it in the long run? [Let's](https://twitter.com/angeldescndnt) [discuss](https://curiouscat.me/angeldescndnt)!


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